Pamper – This is today’s word. It got me thinking of all the things I wanted to pamper myself with – massages, manicure pedicure or a basic haircut blow wave or maybe just a coffee.
I used to enjoy these things quite regularly but these days; I want to either binge on food or drink something that just burns or just clean the house just because.
I think about this misfortune almost 24×7. I am not sure why I have to expend so much of my time and energy on him even though I know he’s not worth it’
I have however been able to piece a few things together.
The reason for the outrage and the mixture of emotions that he is facing and has exhibited onto me (anger towards me) is because I have not given up my whole life; quit my job (even though I had bills to pay and earn more than him) and moved to live with him in the middle of nowhere.
If I had moved and depended completely on him then I would be in his complete control.
Is this a good thing? I am not sure.
- Would it have temporarily fixed everything – i.e. probably wouldn’t have realised what he was like until much later.
- Did I realise this?
- I told my parents I thought this was the reason.
- They didn’t believe me because they came back with the comment that he told them we could do long distance.
- He has outwardly said one thing and I am feeling and am reading into his actions, which mean something else.
- The comments made, the distance, the frustration, the anger that I was not there as his wife are all attributed towards this one action.
- Did I want to get this job? No and Yes.
- Did I want to move and live with him? Yes and No.
- Even with all of the above said, he wasn’t stable with his feelings or emotions. If the slightest thing angered him, he had to take it out on a thing, dog or me.
- The issue was not being able to guess or quite work out what would tick him off or what awaited me.
Don’t feel worthy of being pampered even though these manis pedis were a daily part of my life not truly considered as pampering. I think even if I went all out for luxury; I’d still come out feeling like a dirty old prune just because I can’t seem to get over this bullshit decision I have made to marry.
The internal pain that comes out in jolts; I want to extinguish somehow but cannot..