I feel like I’m back where I was few months ago. Couldn’t see the future, didn’t have a goal, felt like I had done everything I wanted (ticked off every little thing even the miniscule it doesn’t really matter if I don’t do these);and the only thing left was marriage.
Today, I’m back in the situation where that too has been achieved.. heading towards a divorce (god willing). Same conundrum of what next..
Sometimes I worry that I am no longer as goal orientated, I have become less beilieving in my own abilities and cannot see the happiness in life. I went for an interview once totally non blazee where I asked more questions and sought clarity instead of being eager to get the job.
Not sure if that’s true or not but the last time I felt this way, I stumbled across someone on 10 December and that the launch pad towards a few expensive disastrous months of my life and therefore the biggest mistake of my life.
So what now? What is this situation now a launching pad for? I feel so tired and exhausted even thinking about things and yet large amounts of time with myself also distresses me to no end. Even if I did get an opportunity for a lifetime now, it would require immense amount of energy for me to do anything I feel – but I will yeild incredible results I have no doubt.
What I should’ve done then and hopefully can do now is to sit still, remain calm and not take any drastic action and simple watch life unfold – this by far may be my biggest challenge –
Lest God may say one day, You cried for help to save you for you were drowning.
I sent you a boat, a man to pull you up and then a helicopter. These were all ways in which I had helped.
Yet, you refused saying — God will come..
I am going to try and maintain my faith in God that she’s got me.. she will take me under her wing and carry me home.