I feel like I have lived in denial for a large majority of the marriage. Even when it a point where whatever he said absolutely ludicrous I couldn’t cope with the harsh reality of the situation.
It’s funny but I looked at meals in the bathroom mirror this morning and felt that there was a small glimpse of me in there somewhere. I couldn’t see this a few months ago. Back then, I was a corpse who hated looking at myself Int he mirror.
I feel like I have lived in denial with the fact that my husband:
Would go to work but his mind the entire period he was at work was focussed on me. He would call me frequently to ask why I hadn’t called him or to check up on what I was upto. To some it may sound sweet but when you head up into the countryside to visit your husband (when doing long distance); he should just focus on his work so you can focus on cooking. Instead, he’d call to check up on my knowledge of the recipe for the dish I was making,
Would come home for lunch and critique lunch, the way I looked and the state of the house or anything that came out of my mouth. He once came home and stared at my face. He said, “you look different to this morning”. Huh? “Yes, you applied some make up didn’t you”?
If it wasn’t the makeup, he’d ask if I brushed my hair – apparently he liked me the way I looked when I get out of bed *cough cough*. Mind you, this was not a cheesy line, no one in the realm of his vicinity could be better Han him let alone look good.
Unfortunately he married a pretty wife who looks beautiful; at worst at least presentable even in track pants.
It sound silly but he put the fear of God into me when I would apply any makeup. I gladly followed his instructions until he started asking me why I didn’t apply makeup and how he was ashamed of being seen with me. I asked myself if this was the same man who spent endless hours taunting me?
There were other glaring moments but his psychoticness (of that is a word which it’s not), was could’ve been seen much earlier on if only I had questioned things to the nth degree.
- In the early days you would ask me questions about me, my family, the world and just life in general.
- When they were satisfactory you’d tell me, ” Yes that is he right answer”. Or you’d say, “No that is not the right answer”.
- I remember these statements quite clearly because I told you once that the answered to the questions are my opinions. They need not be changed to suit what you think is right or wrong..
- You clearly disagreed, as did I and I may have let it go once or twice. I should’ve realised that I got a hit you weren’t normal and I never bothered to notice.
The worst part was when you blatantly told me:
- We should’ve met 10 years ago and that we weren’t compatible now.
- That you couldn’t be yourself around me; or
- You didn’t want to be with me and the marriage was a mistake.
I had denied all of these statements and erratic behaviour from you and chalked it up to the physical distance between us.
The classic case is when you would ask me to repeat word for word what you had said, literally two minutes after you spoke. Any variation or incorrect translation or understand from my end often resulted in hours of you telling me that I wasn’t listening to you.
- When I shared this experience with my father he laughed and said don’t pay much attention to what he says, he’s stressed.
- I thought then perhaps I was overreacting.
- Even so, it didn’t feel right that he’d continue to make me repeat what he’d said word for word – even after I specifically told him I didn’t appreciate that.
Having seen the prompt deny, I gooogled this phrase that is an apt description of my state of mind:
When you live in denial, you do everything in your power so it’s not true
The search results have left me gobsmacked