He would often say something was wrong with him.. he would take the online medical tests to perform a self assessment.
- He was very worried on the day of our marriage. It’s strange because we were 2 minutes from the temple, we were already married in the eyes of the law, my entire family and the entire city was attending from my side of the family so I was definitely going to rock up and it was organised in such a way that there was little or no chance for there to be a screw up.
- So what was he worried about? I asked him this overtime and it was only recently when we was visiting his mates that he’d said; they’ll work it out, they’ll know something is wrong with me.
When the tests proved negative and the friends didn’t say anything; he’d come back to me and tell me he wasn’t experiencing depression or anything else.
He had deduced from all the analysis he’s undertaken that the source and cause of his unhappiness was me.
- Once after a heated conversation whereby he screamed down into my face, I did say to him once very calmly
“you become a different person all together when you get upset for whatever reason. You are not you until the anger, negativity and emotion is drained off you and exerted onto someone else – in this case me”.
- He quietly walked away and didn’t say anything .. the kind where you know it’s the truth but you will neither affirm nor deny because there is evidence of it happening twenty minutes ago because you behaved so irrationally.
The woman he married was quite popular for being smart, successful, grounded, down to earth and an excellent blend of the two cultures – someone most people would love to marry both on paper and in reality. Would she go above and beyond to make things work? Without a doubt.
- It is not an easy task to breakdown someone of that calibre especially when she has a strong family with her. To appeal to her sensitivity and then somehow over time get her to think that she’s such a horrible person that her mere existence e(no talking or physical actions) are traumatic to someone else will do wonders for her self esteem especially because the issue is her husband now and it’s a situation she has never encountered even in her wildest dream.
- Any sane person while dismissing it may overtime wonder if what he was saying was a possibility.
Often he’d say the solution is for me to try make him happy. Sadly every moment of my life was spent thinking and breathing about what would make him happy – this became the sole reason of my existence.
Even now, my biggest battle is to reduce the thought process focussed on his happiness and have a moment, no I would like 5 mins in a day when I am not working, whereby I think about anything but him or the shit I went through.
I changed the screensaver on my phone to remind me to breathe and hold onto God for only she can understand what I am going through and have gone through and save me from myself