There were many moments in this “marriage” when he would pause, breathe and I had to wait for him to construct his sentence or let him finish his sentence and not interrupt. Never mind if the pause extends beyond five whole minutes (yes I timed it once to see if I imagined the time)..
He would often tell me I was a good girl and he wasn’t too bad. At times he would correct himself and say no I’m good too – nothing wrong with me. There were many times he’d say, I am like this because of you. I am fine and get along great with everyone but you.
Funny, because he’d also tell me everything bad is prompted by me and its always my fault. How? I am not sure.
I made the mistake of asking him once and it resulted in a series of insults at me without any logic and resulted in him telling me he is suffering because of me.
Thank you I had no idea that was possible when I was being insulted in every conversation, 95% of the time and yet I am told that I am being mean to you?
Point being that it was not his fault.
There have been so many moments when he would pretend things never happened – a good example is when he pulled the boot of the car down my head. I stood there in pain and more importantly shocked. Almost felt like I was not me but looking at this experience as an outsider. There was no apology, he felt my skull and said, no need to go to hospital there may be swelling but it will reduce in a few days. I had four days to go with this man before I went home. A few days later when he was closing the boot of the car, I moved away quickly lest I get hurt again. At which he laughed and said good you learnt your lesson.
When I asked him why he didn’t apologise or why that happened just to clear my comscience; that is, it a week later, he laughed. Continuing to laugh he said that I misunderstood. His comment of me learning was a joke. I told him I didn’t see it as a joke. He says, yes you don’t get jokes – you’re too sensitive. A month later when I brought up the incident again, he just pretended as if it didn’t happen.
Other times he’d take his anger out on me and upon reflection when I’d say I wasn’t at fault (obviously earlier in the relationship when I could muster some courage), he’d reflect and say Yeah, I suppose my behaviour wasn’t ideal could’ve been better. It wasn’t that bad either I mean totally understandable.. and here comes the justification again.
Many a times when he would call and say some mean things to me. Once, he had a go at me in public for not not buying him a gift the coffee beans even though he didn’t ask for it. Never mind that I send him parcelled gifts so he has something fun to look forward to, He proceeded to tell me something was wrong with me for I clearly didn’t understand him. Isn’t that why we have this time .. to get to know each other? He says, well yes but we should’ve met 10 years ago when I was enjoying life..
In my head I thought 10 years ago I was studying full time, working full time and pretty much volunteering part-time. Even then, maybe its the fact that you’re 7 years older than me that’s causing this gap.
Didn’t you tell me you were all too familiar with the concept of an arranged marriage and if the boxes are ticked which you claimed they were for you; then we have this time to get to know each other?
I just sat there and listened to this man saying these things when:
– I paid for most things from the honeymoon, to the tablet gift for his friend, to plane tickets, to groceries I have purchased for him at his house, to coffee bean gifts and other gifts that are sent to him continuously.
– I listen to his endless thoughts and cater to his whims and facies. Heck early in the marriage he told me that his meals should consist of: rice, one veg (protein), one eat and another veg (mind you limited vegetables because he doesn’t eat “potatoes, cabbage, pumpkin, bokchoy, leek etc..) I catered to that and ensured any packaged meals (cause I cooked for the period I wasn’t there with him were also like that).
– he goes on to say we are incompatible and that this marriage may have been a mistake not even sure if we’ll ever understand eah other. Getting to know each other now to him appeard futile.
– Later that day when I finally had a chance to speak, I asked him about his comments and he goes – oh that, I didn’t mean it. Funny..
All in all, very recently the tone has always ended with the words you deserved it. Whether it be him accusing me of being a terrible mum because I was a child and could do nothing right or the fact that I could never be a good mum… and noo noo that’s not what he meant its just that I may have issues with motherhood initially and maybe things will settle when I get used to it. He didn’t mean I would be that horrible but if I was then yeah, its because I wasn’t prepared (after all there were 20 yo’s who do a much better job than me).
None of this shit makes any fucking sense.
I know I should be using better words to express my thoughts and feelings but there are moments when I feel like I have venom inside of me waiting to be spit out lest it consumes me completely because I am angry. Sharing these moments make me upset that I have put up with this.
The terrible mother comment went on for weeks and he continued to stand his ground on that one – the meaning or how his comment should’ve been interpreted changed conversation to conversation. That comment hurt me the most because all I ever wanted in life was to be a mother and have a family. Everything I have worked for to date was to fulfill that (ensuring there would be no issues re finances or their upbrining or private schooling). If that’s all soundig nice on paper, how could I have: tutored yound kids, ensured they yielded results or volunteered with children who had physical and intellectual disabikities for not one or tow years but 1/2 of my entire lifetime? Surely if I was so terrible; I may have changed or improved in the process over time..?
Some chalk this experience (whatever little they know of it), to Karma in which case I deserved it (even if reason is unknown)..
It’s either that or I am on the edge or insanity.. and something is truly truly wrong with me.
Either way, he was a genius in choosing me and my family who gladly invested in this whole mess, paid for everything from end to end only to have a grand hand in this disastrous situation,